Potent Potables
Posted by Ryan Woods
Rather I am a dork (whenever my grandma heard me say the word "dork" she would always say, 'you know what a dork is right?' and I would calmly respond, 'no, what is it?' 'It's a whales penis. You don't want to call yourself one of those do you?' I always wanted to respond by saying that actually, yes, I did want to call myself that; that I found calling myself a whales penis quite humorous and almost giggle worthy. But instead I simply nodded my head and said "oh, wow, I didn't know that it meant that. I feel so ashamed grandmother."). I am a dork, and I'm finding that the older I get the more weird I am getting.
I don't want anybody to hate me. So I am therefore not going to tell any stories about pooping on the floor, lighting my friend on fire, skinny dipping in baptisteries at churches all across America, and the like. No, I fear that if I told those stories I would have more than just the D&D players knocking at my door with shovels in hand. No, those stories are to violent and graphic.
Here I am. This is me. These are the stories that define me:
- I wore Santa hats to church
- I carried around a wooden sculpted head that was the size of a small basketball. I carried it around the house, at church, and on joy rides. Why? 'Cause I liked it
- I wore these knee high striped socks everytime I played basketball. When they finally ripped, I used them as wristband
- As a young child I really liked Jesus. I would sit and turn the pages of the bible, I couldn't read mind you, but I enjoyed the experience
- When I was five I would lay out my clothes for the next day...but sometimes after my mom and dad tucked me in I would secretly get out of bed and put those clothes on and then get back into bed so they would never know
- My first email address was bucketlover@hotmail.com , what can I say, I liked Willy Wonka. It wasn't until I realized that "bucket lover" had a phornographic (if I don't misspell that word, my internet will block it out!) ring to it that I changed
- I've started Sword Fighting Clubs, exorcise clubs, among others. The pinnacle of my Clubbing experience was the club that was called Doggy Dudes and Dudets
- Before important indoor soccer matches I would weight train by curling pumpkin pie filling cans and soup cans
- As a young child I went before my church with my dad so that he could communicate to the community that I loved Jesus
- Sometimes I get too explicit with people I don't know when I have diarrhea
- Sometimes I give naked pictures of myself to friends of mine
- Sometimes I sit next to people in class (before I graduated) for a whole semester and then when by chance I sat next to them outside of school I introduce myself to them as if I never knew them...I don't think she liked me after that
- Sometimes I bring spedos to my work
- Sometimes when I'm sick and my throat hurts too much to talk and my brain hurts too much to blog, I find myself mumbling random lines from Saturday Night Live, more specifically the phrase "potent potables". I think it sounds nice.
- I'm going bald
You may be asking yourself, why did he write this blog? And I would simply respond by asking you to visit this link