The Sex Free Bible
Posted by Ryan Woods
I've been trying to figure out how to best write this blog, but alas I feel that things would be best represented if I just cut and paste the article into my post. So here it is. React to it. Let me know what you think. And remember that this is no joke.
Freehold, Iowa - After working with several church pastors for the better part of two years, James Montrose, principal of Landover Elementary School, announced last week that an abridged KJV Bible, omitting all references to illicit and deviant sex acts, has been finalized for use at the school next year. Montrose formally proposed to the Board of Deacons that the new Bible, roughly the size of a theater program, be required reading in all classes in place of the salacious unabridged version.
“It is beyond question that the Holy Bible, in unedited form, is simply not appropriate for children,” observed Montrose in testimony to the Board. The unabridged Bible is loaded with passages describing in detail such disgusting topics as premature ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5), wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32), voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20); damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1); people taking a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14); hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5), people urinating on a wall (1 Samuel 25:22; 26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:22; 2 Kings 9:8), people eating their own feces and drinking their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15), menstruation (just about all of Leviticus), etc., etc., etc. And those are just from a few books I reviewed this morning. Some of these topics are too prurient even for an S&M club. In fact, many parts of the Good Book are so tawdry that the Bible would be the first book hurled into the flames at our weekly book burnings - were it not inspired by God, of course.”
Montrose, along with Pastors Seff Stryker and Don Holmes, prepared the new version of the Bible by scratching out all the X-rated passages in one of Montrose’s old copies of the KJV 1611. “By the time we were finished, my old Bible looked like a White House Enron document produced to a Senate subcommittee,” noted Montrose. “But as a result of our work, children will no longer be exposed to Biblical passages too risque for Penthouse Forum. And children will be able to finish reading the Bible within days of the start of the school year. This will afford their teachers plenty of time to have students memorize passages describing the violence God inflicts upon sinners.”
Not all Board members favor the proposed new version. Brother Harry Hardwick led a minority of deacons opposed to the abridged Bible. “Don’t get me wrong,” cautioned Brother Harry. “I recognize that the definitive version of the Lord’s Word was written by that unrepentant sodomite, King James, and therefore contains far more graphic descriptions of intimacy than any heterosexual author would ever have inserted. Nevertheless, many of these passages offer useful information to children, such as the disastrous fate that awaits them if they lust, masturbate or have premarital sex. Without including the passages describing God’s wrath toward the sexually active, many youngsters may believe they have a green light to practice the most deviant of acts.”
In response to Brother Harry’s concern, Pastor Deacon Fred proposed the following amendment to Montrose’s proposal:
“All children will be told each day during homeroom that any sexual activity before marriage, with or without a partner, will send the culprits hurtling toward Hell where red-tailed demons with giant purple penises will sodomize them for eternity.”
After the Board passed his proposal with the amendment, Montrose agreed to instruct teachers to deliver the homeroom lecture ever morning. However, he warned that he was unsure how teachers would explain to their pupils what “sodomize” means - especially since they will no longer have the full Bible as a reference.
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