Pretending
Posted by Ryan Woods
I've written this post once. It's gone now. Thanks Jones. I love you. I shall now try to recreate what was already written...crap.
I want to pretend, pretend professionally that is. Yes, I want to be a professional pretender. Seriously. It's the best job I can think of. You get paid millions just to pretend to be someone else. What an awesome gig. I mean, if the Muppet Babies were real, they would be millionaires 'cause they sure could pretend well. Pretenders represent everything that we want. Leisure, popularity, looks. We don't simply give them their credit for pretending to be someone else. No, instead we put them on our desktops, on our blogs, and we even hang them from our walls. We buy magazine after magazine to see what they wear, how they do their hair, and whose having the latest affair. We talk about them as we would speak of an aunt or second cousin. They're family. No, they aren't family, they are greater than family, they are actors, models, thespians (even lesbians). They're pretenders. Professional pretenders. It's odd isn't it? It's odd how we worship pretenders. It's odd how people will give anything and everything to be one of them. Years ago it was idols made of Gold, wood, and bronze. The Egyptians worshiped Ra, the sun god. The Greeks poured libations before Zeus who rested high on his mountain. American's look to Paula, Randy, and Simon to find their next idol. We work 60 hours a week so we can spend millions a year watching our beloved thespians on big shiny screens. They are god's, every one of them. All hail the great and glorious Hollywood! Pour out your libations to those who pretend really ridiculously well! And now, a doxology, to those we honor and love as our Golden Calves of today:
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye Hollywood Host;
Praise Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf's ghost. Amen."
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