I know it's long, but give it a chance
Posted by Ryan Woods
I had a conversation with some friends last night concerning His Needs, Her Needs. It's a book written by a Christian author who is trying to help marriage partners meet eachothers needs. Sounds simple enough I guess. I've actually never read the book. My understanding is that the author has interviewed one billion men and one billion women to find out what each sexs states is their most important needs.
The needs for men are:
sexual fulfillment
recreational companionship
an attractive spouse
domestic support
admiration
The needs for women are:
affection
conversation
honesty
financial support
family commitment
I think when people read those lists most will think that they make sense. But I would suggest that those lists are severely distorted by a few possible mistakes.
*Make a mental note that I've never read the book, that I'm not trying to be well rounded here and that I'm not a Dr. of any kind*
We started talking about this book 'case a friend of mine was filling in as a teacher at a Christian school. He was commissioned to talk about marriage (kind of funny 'cause he's single). When those needs were read off all of the girls in the class were amazed to see how superficial men are. Aperently all men want is a hot houslcleaner who plays golf and has sex with them! Can this really be true? Is this what men are really and truly looking for? Don't get me wrong if I could do anything at any point in the day it would be to have sex with my wife, but is that my number one need? My assertion is that it cannot be. Sex is only good when it is in the context of a healthy and loving relationship. Anything else is masturbation (whether a woman is used or not). Therefore it must be assumed that for a man to want sex (really good sex) then there must first be honesty, affection, commitment, and all that other crap. I would also suggest that maybe the results of those studies show not what men and women need most, but rather what part of their body they are most in tune with. Men are more in tune with their body and women are more in tune with their emotions. Therefore when you ask a man what his needs are he immediately goes that route. But it is not accurate.
Furthermore if one of mans greatest needs is a hot wife (attractive spouse) then every man will be sorely disappointed 'cause everyone gets old, wrinkly, and smells of formaldehyde. Beauty is fleeting right? And as many people know, who love a spouse, physical beauty changes. Someone becomes a whole lot more beautiful when you find out that they are beautiful inside. A woman is never more beautiful than when she's gained forty pounds and is carrying your baby in her belly. That is beauty. It is a combination of so much more than a gorgeous smile, size D cups, and long legs.
Society tries to make us believe lies. I believe that the five needs listed by men in His Needs, Her Needs represent a few lies that we have bought into. The one thing that I think is hands down, dead on accurate on the mens list is admiration. Read Wild at Heart and you'll understand more of what I think. Men desire admiration more than anything else. People in general desire it, but men more specificity need it. They need to know that they're worth it. That they are good enough. That they can provide well. That they are a man. That they are strong. That they love well. That they can win a woman.
Everyone is getting divorced (about 50% of all marriages end that way). I'm not saying that men are always the problem, but I'm also not going to be ignorant enough to try to speak on behalf of the ladies. But shouldn't it not be surprising when four of mens top needs are 100% sure to leave at some point! I mean sex will get bad. We will get ugly. The house will get dirty. Bingo will become our leasure activity whether we want it or not. Beauty, sex, domestic stuff, and leasure activities will all get screwy, we don't have a choice. It's life. If we think those are our most important needs then it makes sense that there is a lot of divorce. I know it's so much more complicated than that, but there must be some hint of truth to it, it only makes sense!
This post is getting too long. I should probably read this book before I bash it...but..well, I think it's a good discussion anyway. Here are my final thoughts: Lets not let men off the hook. Lets not let them think that they can 'need' only a beautiful wife, a housecleaner, sex, and a golfing buddy. Sure we may be more inclined to desire those sorts of things, but that is not best. What is best (in Dr. Ryan's opinion) is mutual respect, honor, honesty, affection, admiration, commitment, love, etc. Those are things that marriage needs, that men need. It may be somewhat unnatural, but maybe marriage is a choice that must be made every single day. A choice to do all those things that come unnaturally. And then...then...out of that beautiful relationship you will find your wife to be the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on. Then...sex will be better than you even imagined possible. Then...her interest will be more interesting to you (and visa versa).
PS I love my hot, housecleaning, game playing wife.
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